THE REAL ME

It’s been a while since I was last here. The negative voice in my head, which I am sure we all carry within, has been getting the better of me and persuaded me that my thoughts are not worth writing about, that I have nothing to offer which has not been expressed before and who would want to read about the negative voice in someone’s head anyway, right? It’s hard enough for most of us putting up with it on a daily basis, trying to hide from it, trying to silence it, trying to ignore it. Problem is it never goes away. There is only one thing for it: we must face our biggest fears head on or live under their rule and oppression endlessly. We are led to believe that this negative voice is a part of who we are; it falls within the category of mental health; something we need to learn to deal with or receive treatment for, and to some extent I believe that is true, but I also sense with all my being that beyond the confines of our own psyches and our ongoing internal battle and tendency towards negativity, lurks unseen, unheard, invisible, the weight of a global darkness which is clearly pressing down on our very existence. It hangs over us like an apocalyptic mean-looking sky looming over the horizon just before a diabolical storm is upon us.

I have always been a very perceptive person with a heightened sensitivity; with an ability to notice, sense and even predict what is going on or may happen within a person, a situation, a collective. Whilst this sounds like the self-delusion of having been blessed with a  superhero trait, I know I am not alone in what I share, and if anything,  the reality of having a heightened sensitivity and perceptive ability is far from exciting. It’s more like a curse, if I am honest. You see things that others don’t see. Hear things, others don’t hear and get clarity about situations that others cannot comprehend far, far ahead of everyone else, but worst of all, you get to sense, before most people, the pitfalls, the risks of how others’ life stories may unfold, if a certain path is or is not taken. You literally get very powerful impressions in your mind of these things, and before you know it, all that intuition becomes a yoke of worry and anxiety round your neck as if you are carrying the troubles of the whole world upon your shoulders. It is a lonely place, a scary place, an alienating place. If you open up to people about this, they either think you have truly lost it or that you are weird and too scary to hang out with. In the end, you decide to keep quiet about all these perceptions, intuitions. You internalize them and not only worry about your own concerns but the world’s too. You feel misunderstood, misjudged, ostracised, even despised. When you try to share your insights with the world, even with your immediate circles, much opposition comes your way even from complete strangers. So much so, that after a while you begin to see a pattern. The more you see and the more you want to share of what you sense, the harder the opposition that comes your way, be it through others’ words, actions, lack of, or scarier still, bad things happening in your life or to those you love dearly. It’s like currents of destructive energy intent on stopping you on your tracks, you and everything that gives meaning to your life. No evidence of this faceless dark force is more deafening than when you want to share some of these insights and out of the blue complete strangers come after you on social media like hungry wolves with the sheer determination to either shut you up or feed you to the lions. When out of the blue strangers go to such lengths as bordering on criminality, you know their efforts to silence you must be fueled by something far greater and more sinister than a personal insecurity, bigotry or sheer ignorance.

If you have been reading my stuff for the last few years and I am under no illusion that you have, though I do know there is a handful of regulars at this site who remarkably seem to connect with some of the stuff I write about. Anyway, if you come here often, you will know by now that I do believe in a spiritual realm. I don’t think the physical world is all that there is. There is far too much going on that is unexplained; far too many inexplicable bonds between people who have never met before, even between different species, too many phenomena taking place which we cannot find a reasonable and scientific explanation for, too many people going around sensing that they are reliving a moment because what they have just experienced felt so mind-bogglingly familiar to them; too many dreams that resemble situations we experience thereafter, like warnings from beyond about what we are about to experience. Humankind is at breaking point at present but there is one thing we all seem to agree on: the incomprehensible vastness of how much we still don’t know about ourselves and the universe at large.

I started this blog post talking about the negative voice within but also beyond the confines of our own mind. Whilst I do believe that there is a God, whatever we all perceive God to be, I also strongly sense and believe that for all the benevolence, might, creativity and justice that the concept of God evokes, there is an equally mighty dark, twisted force in the world seeking to destroy our spirit, morale, our joy and our hope as a species. I see this sinister force spreading across the world and clutching its claws on not only the most vulnerable but also the most positive, morally sound of individuals, seeking to suck up their energy, their goodness by flooding their minds through incessant talk, images, news and the entertainment industry with messages of impending doom,  of vileness and savagery, of sheer and utter despair but above all messages of fear and terror, which on an ongoing basis break all individual and collective trust breaking up families, relationships and communities, eventually turning human beings against each other to the point where we may destroy our race and the planet too. The signs of these for me are so tangible, so abundant and yet it seems like only a few can either see them or be bothered to take them seriously. Suicide in our children and grown up men is endemic. Teenagers in affluent areas whose abundant lives should be filled with joy and hope are buried instead in a robotic existence of the delusional highs and lethal lows that drugs and alcohol provide; parents who have lost all ability to relate to their children and to come to their rescue even when their cries for help can be heard on the other side of the continent; moral leaders, religious ‘shepherds’ in the community so blinded by their dreams of material as well as spiritual empires that those who most need their direction and support become totally invisible and are sacrificed at the expense of these so-called leaders tending instead to those who can further their plans and stroke their egos. Entrepreneurs and governments blinded by greed turning a blind eye to the moral consequences of their actions and achieving their selfish ends at the expense of thousands of lives, if that is what it takes; prepared to even gamble the future of the planet. I don’t know about you but no Science Fiction film could outdo the senseless, erratic state and self-destructive path our world is on today. It truly feels like the brains of our leaders have been inhabited by hellish creatures and it is they who are running or rather, ruining the planet.

I have darkness in my life every single day. Darkness within and darkness from the world outside too threatening to break me to pieces, but for all that darkness I also carry a light within me, a hope that burns bright, a beacon which I always veer towards when this awful reality hitting us from every angle these days threatens to overcome me and the world. If you come here you will witness some of that darkness but hopefully will also walk away with a true sense of hope and the power of the collective light, healing and restoration that we can all be to ourselves, each other and the world at large if we come together and fight this ‘monster’ head on.

6 thoughts on “THE REAL ME

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  1. That was an amazing post. You are well gifted. And I agree with your perceptions. But just like in those trilogies that we both enjoy about Middle Earth, in the end the light will prevail. Keep writing, Mercedes.

  2. Hi! I have just read a few of your blog posts. Very deep insights. You come across as someone who reveals all which is brave and refreshing. Reading this post specifically, it makes me want to ask you whether or not your have read the Tao Te Ching (Taoism)? If you understand about the Yin and Yang of nature then you will start to find inner peace as it has all the answers to help calm “the voice” in your head ……….. For example you mention, quote: “Whilst I do believe that there is a God, whatever we all perceive God to be, I also strongly sense and believe that for all the benevolence, might, creativity and justice that the concept of God evokes, there is an equally mighty dark, twisted force in the world seeking to destroy our spirit, morale, our joy and our hope as a species.” ………… understanding the Tao decodes exactly what you are describing, the Yin an Yang of nature. To have good you must have bad. Therefore “God” (aka Good) must have the “Devil” (aka Evil)… or use whatever phrasing your mind is used to. The point is with that quote, of course there is a dark force because it is the opposite side of “God”; it shouldn’t be a surprise in the same way touching water and getting wet isn’t a surprise. The great thing about knowing the Tao philosophy is, whenever the voice in your head focuses on the dark side of things, with practice, you can easily flip this (again use the wording you prefer “see past this”) to be able to fully appreciate and feel the good which is always there too. In the end you learn to look mostly at the good and not the bad. Of course for some they cannot learn this and spend their lives focusing on the bad; it is each individuals choice in the end. My question is why when you have choice would you want to choose to see the bad in everything? Good obviously leads you to a much happier and fulfilling life.

  3. Hi Christian,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and for your encouraging comment. No, I am not familiar with Taoism, although I have heard about the Yin and the Yang a bit. I have learnt over the years that the best way to overcome that negative voice in our head, wherever it is coming from, is to fight it from deep within daily. Some people use yoga, others prayers, exercise, meditation, whatever. Many people today who suffer from anxiety, depression, worry, fear are told to take pills, see a therapist or try a new philosophy, ideology, practice, but in the end unless we find the strength within to overcome whatever it is that is holding us down prisoners, we will always go back to that place, we will always expect to be rescued by something, someone else. That is fine as a one off, maybe few times solution, but unless we find our own personal way to overcome instead of abiding by an external agent to get us out, the negative voice will always preside over the positive one. That has been my own experience anyway. Thanks again for stopping by and sharing of your own wisdom. It is much appreciated.

  4. When I was an agnostic, I had very few enemies. But when I gave my life to Christ, all Hell seemed to come against me. It took a while for me to learn how to fight against the hordes of darkness, but now, I enjoy the battle. As Smith Wigglesworth once said, “If the devil isn’t fighting me, I go out to look for him.”

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